The Cardinals Should Sign Chewbacca

The Cards had a decent season this year, but they ended up falling short of the playoffs for the second year in a row. They could certainly benefit from an upgraded bullpen next year. That's why I think they should take a chance and sign Chewbacca. Chewy is currently playing for the Toledo Tarmacs, a team in the Midwest Independent League. This 7'5" Wookie southpaw possesses a nasty 97+ mph fastball and throws a variety of offspeed pitches. He also possesses a fierce demeanor on the mound. "Chewy is completely unafraid to plunk a batter who's crowding the plate, or is anywhere near the plate", said Cards scout Mike Dresden. This season he boasted a 1.27 ERA, with 61 Ks over 53 innings pitched, despite hitting a league-leading 23 batters. So why haven't any major league teams signed this talented reliever? "That's simple", continues Dresden, "Chewbacca is uncontrollably violent towards other players, both on the opposing side and with his teammates. Whenever he losses a game, he has a tendency to rip players' arms out of their sockets. Wookies are known to do this."

To date, Chewy has ripped the arms off of 17 players in the league, including 5 of his teammates. "He's a maniac, and he needs to be shipped back to whatever planet he's from," said former teammate Jason Hunter. Early in the season, enraged by a narrow 5-4 loss to the Flint Carburetors, Chewbacca ripped Hunter's arms out of their sockets and then proceeded to beat several Carburetors players with the arms. Doctors were able to surgically reattach one of Hunter's arms after the incident, but the outfielder-turned-janitor still holds a grudge towards the Wookie reliever: "He should be banned from the game, plan and simple. I don't care what his ERA is."

Despite this frequent unsportsmanlike conduct, several scouts, including Dresden, believe Chewy could make it in the majors. "At the major league level, a team could afford to hire bodyguards for Chewbacca's teammates. I believe having such tremendous, intimidating lefty in the bullpen would be well worth the additional expense ," said Dresden. As for the safety of the opposing players? "Well, I believe they would quickly learn to heed some age-old advice: Let the Wookie win."

REGINALD MURPHY TORTURES LARRY KING DURING INTERVIEW!

LIVE WITH LARRY KING//

Our guest this evening is Reginald Murphy the Extra Terrestrial formally known as E.T. Reginald returns to talk with us about his life and give us an update on what’s happened since his last interview with Geraldo Rivera.

(Reginald Murphy comes in wearing a “Larry King Sucks” t-shirt, and brown bagging a 40 of Saint Ides)

Larry King: Now, that’s not very nice what’s this all about…?

Reginald Murphy: Blurrrrrrrrrrppppppp

Dan O’Conner: Larry he said he wouldn’t do the interview without wearing the t-shirt.

Larry King: What! This is absurd.

Dan O’Connor: No shirt, no interview.

Larry King: (sigh) Long Pause…Hello Reginald. You’re here with us today. I notice you smell like 10 bottles of Whisky, your wearing a insulting shirt, you have alcohol in hand and what is that wretched odor coming off of you?. What is going on man!

Reginald Murphy: Hey Larry, Blurrrrpppp… what’s insulting????

Larry King: Your wearing a shirt that says I suck. Do you think this is nice?

Reginald Murphy: Please rephrase the question Larry. What insulting about a shirt?

Larry King: Your saying I suck. Weren’t you taught that this isn’t nice?

Reginald Murphy: Apparently not. Next question Larry.

Larry King: I notice you can speak normal – like a human being now would you like to comment on that!?

Reginald Murphy: Not really Larry. I will say this (Blurrrrrrrp) whyyyyyy do the producers of a movie insist that I have to eat those frigging Reese’s Pieces things when they know “BECAUSE “ its been stipulated in my contract that I have a peanut allergy. Reginald Murphy has a peanut allergy Larry. I hate those goddamn little M&M peanut butter filled candies. They give me gas Larry. After I left that movie set, I went home and what do I get??? 25 years of frigging Reese’s pieces dropped in front of me Larry, 25 years of gas. I did mention that I have an allergy to those things!!! I mean it was in the frigging contract…but no one cares about Reginald if they cared that little F*&k would of left a trail of Dewers shots…(pause) Blurrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrp (pause) you suck Larry…

Larry King: So I’ve been told. Why beat around the bush Reginald. Where is Geraldo?

Reginald Murphy: Geral-dick

Larry King: Geraldo Rivera

Reginald Murphy: Geral-dick

Larry King: Geraldo, Reginald! You know who I mean why do you keep saying that when I say Geraldo?

Reginald Murphy: I say that because its his name…GERAL-DICK..in fact call him that Larry.

Larry King: I will not!

Reginald Murphy: Call him Geral-dick Larry or I won’t answer any more questions.

Larry King: I will not sir!

Reginald Murphy: Larry (pause) call him Geral-dick or ill melt your face off.

Larry King: WHERE IS HE!

Reginald Murphy: Where is who?

Larry King: (sigh)

Reginald Murphy: Larry your face….

Larry King: Where is (in a low mumble) Geral-dick…?

Reginald Murphy: Hehehehe Louder Larry the viewers cant here you…

Larry King: Where is Geral-dick, Reginald!

Reginald Murphy: Say it like you mean it Larry in fact for the purpose of this interview I want to change your name. Lets call you Geral-dick!

Larry King: NO sir!

Reginald Murphy: Larry do you really want your face melted off?

Larry King: (sigh)

Reginald Murphy: Larry, repeat after me…I am Geral-dick!!!!

Larry King: I am Geral-dick ( in a low disgusted tone)

Regianld Murphy: No Larry, sing it IIIIIIIIIIIII aaaaaaaaaaammmmmmmmmm Geeeeeeeerrrrrraaaaaalllllldddiiiccccccccckkkkkkkk!!!

Larry King: I am Ggggeeerrrralllldddiiiiicccckkkk. Are you Happy!

Reginald Murphy: hehahahhaa

Larry King: Tell us where Geral-dick is now Reginald!

Reginald Murphy: What do you mean he’s interviewing me. Next question Geral-dick…

Larry King: But, No he’s…

Reginald Murphy: I saaaid…next question…GERAL-DICK!

Larry King: (sigh)

Reginald Murphy: New game. Simon says, Geral-dick, take off your suspenders.

Larry King: wh, wh, wh????

Reginald Murphy: Simon says take them off…

Larry removes his suspenders.

Reginald Murphy: Simon says put on this fake mustache.

Larry King: Why?

Reginald Murphy: Simon says Geral-dick put on your mustache NOW.

Larry King: (sighs and puts on the mustache)
Why are you doing this Reginald?

Reginald Murphy: ummmmmm why not. Can someone please get me a new Saint Ides…Blurrrrp

Larry King: No more alcohol for Reginald.

Reginald Murphy: Geral-dick, I will melt everyone’s face off in this goddamn room if you do not do what I say. Starting with yours. Now lets continue.

Larry King: (starts crying)

Reginald Murphy: Are you crying????

Larry King: Get on with it…

Reginald Murphy: Okay, from this point forward your new name is Gerdildo, you cry baby. The new game is this. If you say the word ET or even say a word that has the letters ET in it I will melt someone’s face off in this room.

Larry King: I don’t want to play...

Reginald Murphy: Gerdildo, you don’t have a choice.

Larry King: sniff (Larry is reduced to tears)

Reginald Murphy: Hey Gerdildo what’s that thing that you do when you gamble, you know you have to place something, right, what is it???

Larry King: silence. (in a low tone) Money….(sniff)

Reginald Murphy: Place money? Hmmm. I’m not sure about that. Hey Gerdildo. Its loud on here tell everyone to pipe down but don’t say it like that.

Larry King: Long Pause…. Uh shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh everyone…

Reginald Murphy: No, no, no Use the word keep in your answer…

Larry King: Keep it down, keep it down (quickly)

Reginald Murphy: Hmmmmmm, Gerdildo stand up and go and punch Dan in the face!

Larry King: (crying hard) Larry stands up walks over to Dan (looks apologetic) but then punches him in the face.

Reginald Murphy: Hey Gerdildo… Simon didn’t say..

Larry King: Wha, wha wha???

Reginald Murphy: Im going to leave now but I’m going to melt your face off by the end of the night Gerdildo.

Larry King: wha wha (hysterical)

Reginald Murphy: Dick!!! Blurrrrrrrrrp

Reginald gets up and leaves slamming the door behind him. Leavening everyone left in the room speechless. Larry clutches the carpet under his desk as he cries. Reginald Murphy disappears. Larry King has gone into hiding.

Colegio Del Fro

Cuando estaba en universidad, deseé un fro grandemente. Creí tener un grande fro, o aún un punto bajo fro, atraería a muchas mujeres.

Actual Item: Shotguns

I found this rather ordinary looking ad for rifles and shotguns in the Sunday paper this weekend. These guns look totally sweet:



Then I noticed something unusual about one of the shotguns:



That's quite a strong endorsement - our beloved Vice President really knows a lot about guns and gun safety!

The Extra-Terrestrial formerly known as E.T. returns to tell everyone that he f%&ing hates Reese's Pieces

Because of the extraordinary nature of this interview Fox News has provided an uncut manuscript:


Geraldo Rivera: Now preferring to go by his birth name Reginald Murphy the Extra-Terrestrial formally known as E.T. has come a very long way to deliver us a message and update everyone with what’s been going on.

Geraldo Rivera: Reginald, thank you for joining us today can I get you anything before we get started?

Reginald Murphy: Reginald coffee.

Geraldo Rivera: No problem, can we please get Reginald a coffee? Reginald, how would you like that?

Reginald Murphy: Reginald coffee, black, strong, long trip.
(laughter ensues)

Geraldo Rivera: Okay Reginald now lets get started. First things first. So you have decided to change your name from the one that made you famous. Why is that?

Reginald Murphy: Reginald name Reginald not racial slur.

Geraldo Rivera: Okay Reginald so your saying that referring to you by E.T. is in fact a racial slur. Fair enough. Okay Reginald lets get right to it….(pause)

(Reginald’s head is twitching and he is having convulsions)

Geraldo Rivera: Is everything okay?? Bill (camera man) do you know what’s going on here?

Bill Flip: I don’t know.

(Both men are confused, speechless)

Reginald Murphy: (laughter ensues)

Bill Flip: Guess were rolling.

Geraldo Rivera: Okaaaayyy…ok (clears throat) so as I was saying. You’ve come a very long way to deliver a message. Reginald, what would you like to tell the people at home.

Reginald Murphy: Reginald Reese's Pieces (lots of vomiting ensues). Ahhhhhhhhhhrrrrrrrrrrrhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhrrrrhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

(Reginald starts screaming a horrible shriek. Glass in the studio is breaking)

Geraldo Rivera: What the F^%k! Bill what the f%$k man what’s this s&*t!

(Bill Flip is laying on the ground with a bloody nose shaking uncontrollably)

Geraldo Rivera: F*&king Christ!!!!!!

Reginald Murphy: (Bobbing his head up and down) Reeses ba – ah – ah – ah – ah-ah – ah –ah – ah – ah – ah
Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

Geraldo Rivera: Christ! Jesus!

(Bill Flip is unconscious, the studio is dark, Geraldo is curled under the table in the fetal position with his microphone)

Reginald Murphy: ah – ah – ah – ah da da da da da da

Geraldo Rivera: Oh my Jesus!!!!

Reginald Murphy: (laughter ensues)

Geraldo Rivera: Christ almighty. Oh Jesus. Oh my (long pause) oh oh okayyyyyyyyyy…. (climbs out from under the table looking woozy.)
(Geraldo whispers to himself…”What the f%$k was that, Jesus.” He gets up and composes himself.) F, F, F Fair enough I guess we’ll just take what you say at its face value.

(Paramedics come in and take Bill away – Geraldo takes a few more moments to compose himself and then continues with the interview)

Geraldo Rivera: Okay we definitely got the message Reginald.
(Geraldo stands up at this point and screams at the top of his lungs – “Can we please make sure there are none of those f*&ing THINGS in this building.” He then sits down and apologizes to Reginald for the outburst.)

Reginald Murphy: (laughter ensues)

Geraldo Rivera: Okay Reginald, now have you phoned any friends since you been in town? Do you plan to see Michael Jack…..

(This is where the interview ends. The sound of some heavy breathing and scuffling is all that is heard after. This is all that is heard or seen from Reginald. Geraldo Rivera has been missing since.)

Fro-nimals!

Thanks to our Fro loving blog fan Jennie we now know that Animals also enjoy Fros! Thanks Jennie

Bob Barker burns the sign of the devil into his neighbor, Bonnie Wilks head!

Bonnie Wilks 36, neighbor of Bob Barker went to the former Price is Right hosts house today, November 29 to borrow some sugar for a birthday cake she was baking for her 82 year old grandma. Wilks was greeted by a jolly Barker who invited her in by telling her to come on down. Wilks said she then walked through a series of hallways filled with numbered doors. Barker finally took Wilks into room numbered 237. At this point Barker seemed in very high spirits but kept saying "redrum," mixed in with his friendly laughter. Inside room 237 Wilks found herself on the set of the Price is Right. When asked if she would like to win the brand new Trailer RV that was sitting on the stage Wilks said. "I started jumping up and down in disbelief. I couldn’t believe it and was so excited to be living this dream come true."

Wilks was then told she would have to answer a series of questions. "This is where things got a little creepy." said Wilks. Barker pulled a cloth off a podium covering a fish tank. Inside the fish tank fit for a gold fish or 2 was a dead 15 pound carp that looks like it had been bought from the fish market but left with fish head on and all and really crammed into the bowl. As weird as it was that was a pristine RV on the stage and Wilks wasn’t about to give up her shot at it. Barker asked her if the price of 80 gazillion dollars that he had written with a crayon was high or low to what the actually retail price of the fish and tank would cost. She guessed high and was right on and ready for the next item. Next Barker pulled out a life size statue of himself made out of popsicle sticks. In the hands of the sculpture was a full unwrapped mortadella with "skinny mic" written on it with a sharpie. Again Barker asked if 80 gazillion dollars was high or low for the collected price of the sculpture. Wilks again guessed right. Next and last Barker dropped a curtain and behind it was a mountain of marshmallows 20 feet high. Taped to various parts of the marshmallow mound was the famous 70’s poster of Farrah Fawcett in a swim suite. There must have been 80-100 posters posted in different size from very, very small to regular sized of this poster posted all over the mound. On one poster Farrah Fawcett had a thought bubble above her head with the word "Marshmallow" simply stated. Wilks admitted to police that at this point she was freaked but determined to win the RV. This time when asked if the price was high or low she said low. Wilks then said she felt a burning sensation on her forehead and started screaming. "Barkers eyes turned black and he started muttering all this biblical stuff but using Alan Tickes name and that he is satans son and all." Bonnie said when questioned by Officer Rogers.

A disturbing still shot from security cameras on the Barker compound show a beam of light shooting out of Barkers eye and officials believe that this is when Wilks received the 666 in her forehead. Wilks is very upset, she says that the 666 keeps bleeding and that she had to crab walk over to the next neighbors house to try and get some sugar for the cake.
"I crab walked next door to house 14 Turnip Lane but when Sandy Duncen a long time resident answered the door she started screaming and crying and slammed the door. This happened at nearly every house on the block. I just can’t seem to walk without being in this posture anymore and the bleeding 666 is just really off putting." Other then this Wilks tried to sell the cops some gibberish about Alan Thicke destroying all non-believers but Rogers noted that she was in a lot of duress from everything and said she should be better after some rest. For now Barker remains at his compound. Police will keep a close watch on the Price is Right stars house and they now have custody of Barkers 14 month old Yorkshire terrier "Plinko" who is going to be turned over to animal services.

FROOOOO Attack!

Let's complete this workbook exercise, shall we? These sisters are different in many ways. Sister Julia has a hybrid beehive / fro hairstyle and appears to be a stoned hippie. She also has massive sideburns that touch the floor. Sister Pilar, on the other hand, has a fro so massive that it has begun to interfere with her vision and ability to breathe. Fro attacks such as this are commonly seen in people who abuse Fro Gro®. Remember kids, use Fro Gro® in moderation to achieve the perfect FROOOOO!

Bob Barker Assaults Bob Vila

Former game show host Bob Barker was arrested this afternoon on assault charges at his home in Jupiter, Florida. Earlier in the day, Barker, 84, was reportedly engaged in a violent confrontation with former This Old House host Bob Vila. The incident took place at a Burger King restaurant in nearby North Palm Beach at approximately 11am. Witnesses say that Vila, 62, was waiting in line to order a BK Stacker® when Barker entered the building and stood in line behind him. The two Bobs initially began a polite conversation, with Vila reportedly interested in the type of wood used to construct the Cliff Hangers pricing game.

The mood quickly changed, however, when Vila began quoting from the movie Happy Gilmore. "I heard Bob Vila say 'The price is wrong, bitch!', and then [Barker] just totally lost it!" said witness Jay Needles. "I could tell that [Vila] was just joking around, but for some reason Barker didn't think it was funny at all. He started screaming how he's 'sick and tired' of that line and how he 'hears that goddamn line every time' he goes out in public. And he was totally getting all up in Bob Vila's face and everything!"


The altercation turned physical when Vila responded with a derogatory remark concerning the Price Is Right models. "I heard Bob Vila ask him if Barker's Beauties were hired from a modeling agency or a whore house," said fellow witness Joan Fineman. " And that's when the punches started flying." Barker landed several blows to Vila's face in quick succession, knocking the younger Bob to the floor. Barker then quickly fled the scene in a panicked state. Meanwhile, witnesses called the police and tended to the dazed Vila, who was reportedly muttering that he wanted to 'spay or neuter' Barker.

Several hours later, police forces descended upon Barker's upscale residence. "After we busted through his front door, we found him in the living room calmly playing Plinko, and wearing nothing but an apron. I guess he stole that Plinko board from the Price Is Right set after he retired or something," stated police officer Brandon Rice. "The whole thing was really creepy," added Rice. Barker apparently surrendered without a struggle, although he was initially reluctant to leave the house without clutching his trademark skinny microphone.

Actual Item: Nail Trimmer

Okay, I found another interesting ad in the newspaper today. This one is for some sort of high tech nail trimmer. It looks pretty awesome:


But then I noticed something kinda weird:


That's pure evil!

Pork Chop - A short story by Phantom Smurf

I wrote this for a creative writing class my freshman year in high school. I hope you enjoy it. I guess my teacher did, I got a B+! This teacher was a major pervert. He used to give girls a good grade if they would wear a short skirt and sit in front of the class. I also used to work Pearl Jam into everything we would learn. I used to joke around saying that everything was the "Jam" the "Pearl Jam". This teacher would be like Phantom Smurf..."Thats the Jam!!!!" This is all very true.

Pork Chop – a short story by Phantom Smurf

Sally and Babbet were all excited their plans for a bicycle trip to Cape Cod are going as planned.
“Are you ready?”
“Yes Sally, I’ve been ready for a long time now.”
“Do we have everything?”
“Yes!” (Followed by excited laughter)
“Bye, mom, dad we love you!”
“You kids be careful that sure is a tough trip.”
“Call us when you get there.”
“Bye” (Everyone says)
As they leave a news bulletin comes over the radio…
“Escaped from the mental hospital, is Damian Clesin otherwise known as Pork Chop.” Years back, Clesin got busted for killing and eating people, but had a good lawyer so he got off on charges of insanity. Ever since he has spent his day’s in a padded room most of the time in a straitjacket. Lately because of good behavior they took the jacket off and now he wants revenge.
“Hey Babbet, lets sing a song.”
“ok”
“Oh I wish I were an Oscar Myer wiener…”
(the girls sing)
As they’re riding on the busy highway they see a man in the woods just standing and watching them.
“Put on our turbo packs Batman” (Babbet says as she watches the man watch her)
“Shut up! What’s he doing whys he just standing there?”
(They could see something strange about him the first time they saw him)
“Lets speed up.”
“Holy eyeball Batman, that man is staring at us.”
“SHUT UP, OK, It’s not funny!”
(Babbet shuts up for a minute)
The man starts to walk out of the woods towards the two girls. For some reason he stops and lets them go on their way.
“Wow that was weird.”
“No foolin huh, Oh well, it’s a story to tell.”
(Again they start singing commercials that they see signs for.)
“Zest fully clean, zest fully clean, your not…”
Pork Chop waits by the side of the road and waves a cop down.
“Hop in, Ill take you in to see where you need to go.”
“Thank you.”
(Then Pork Chop takes a knife and kills the Police Man)
“LUNCH”
He was well satisfied but had much left and needed to dispose of the body.
He speeds up to great speeds of 80, 90, 100 and when no ones around he throws the body parts out the window. Then he ditches the car and goes into the woods to wait.
“Wow, were making good time.”
“Yea we are! To the Cape gun ho!”
(A LOUD SCREAM)
“WHATS THAT!”
(A mans arm lays in their path.)
Babbet then begins to scream…
“IT”S AN ARM!!! What do we do I think its human!”
“SHUT UP!”
“NO YOU SHUT UP!”
“Should we take it with us!”
“WHAT?!”
“I mean like to a police station or somewhere!?”
“We can get a cop.”
“DON’T TOUCH IT!”
“I wanna go home”
“Shut up Sally, you’re such a baby!”
“Babbet, look its that man!”
The man limps up to the girls.
“Hello, I seem to be lost can you help me?”
“We found an arm…”
“What are your names?”
“Sally”
“Babbet”
“And you sir?”
“My name (he hesitates…) My name is of no importance. My friends call me Pork Chop.”
“Why?”
“Oh I don’t know maybe because I like to…EAT PEOPLE!!!”
(The girls scream)
Pork Chop takes out a small chainsaw and chops Sally’s arm off.
“OH, MY ARM, I have no arm!” (Going hysterical)
“How about you Babbet, how bout you give me a hand!?”
“You hurt my sister Pork Chop and now your gonna pay!”
She blocks the chainsaw so he is unable to attack her and kicks him in the face.
Sally lies unconscious on the ground with no arm.
Babbet gets on her bike and then gets on the move.
Pork Chop Picks up Sallys arm and starts to eat it and yell…
“Um, um um! Sooo goood, Your next!”
Babbet then hatches a plan – In he back pack she brought lighter fluid to start camp fires along the way. She takes that out and starts pouring it as she rides
(Pork Chop is now running after her with the arm in his mouth)
“I’m gonna get you!!!!”
She then finishes the lighter fluid, drops it and lights it with a match…
FOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMMM
(Pork Chop is set on fire and In hysteria he starts eating himself.)
“Um, um, um, um…” (As he eats himself he mutters, running around…)
“Its been a good dayyyyyyyyyyyyy!”
Then he falls dead to the ground – Pork Chop lies dead with several fingers and many body parts distorted from his eating and the fire.
“Sally” (Babbet cries)
(She runs over to her sister who is almost dead)
“HELP C.P.R….HEEEEEEEELLLLLLLLLLLPPPPPPPPPP!!!!!” (She Yells)
(Babbet then wakes up in a hot sweat)
It was only a dream…she thought.
“OUCH” (She looks over at her arm)
“AUGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG” (A loud scream)
(Her arm was gone and written in blood on her bed was, I told you I’d get you. Pork Chop)

Quiero Un Fro Grande

If you had six wishes, why would your first wish be for a clown? For one thing, clowns are totally creepy. Wishing for a big FRO makes much more sense...

Actual Item: Comfort Pants

Have you ever seen the segments on Jay Leno or Conan O'Brien where they show newspaper clippings that contain funny mistakes? I decided to start browsing my local newspaper ads to see if I could find anything unusual. Sure enough, I soon found an ad for Active Joe Comfort Pants. The best part about the ad is that you couldn't make this stuff up, it's 100 percent real!

So this ad looks pretty normal, they're selling some stretchy pants that presumably appeal to people who are a bit on the heavy side, and cannot find regular pants that fit them:


But take a little closer look at this:


Wow, that's some dark stuff!

Alan Thicke is REALLY F$*%ing MAD!!!!!!!!!!

After a very rough day at the polls Alan Thicke did not come out the victor but seems to have declared himself President anyway.  He took to the podium before Barack Obama gave his victory speech and said you might be President of the United States but I am President of the world bitches.  He then threw his hands in the air and was tackled by secret service agents who said he had a demonic look in face (pictured above).  Alan spent the night at a Chicago precinct where Sheriff, Bill Wasselman said "looked like Alan just needed to cool down and we were there to give him his space and rest."   The morning after seems to continue to be tough for Thick who supposedly punched a mailman in the face outside the S. State Street Post Office telling the man you work for me now as he punched him stole his bag of mail and then oddly delivered it all.  Voltron is very upset.  Voltron in a quick press release said that this is not the Alan Thicke he wants people to remember and that he will fight to bring his friend back to health and win the next election in 2012.  In the meantime Thick is on a rampage.    In a related story Tracy Gold seems to have started eating in an unhealthy manner this morning.  The world is worried for her.  Alan Thicke where are you when we need you. 

Breaking News: Alan Thicke replaces VP pick with Voltron

In a surprise last minute maneuver on the day of the election, superstar presidential candidate Alan Thicke has announced a former rival as his new vice presidential nominee. "Today, it gives me great pleasure to introduce my new vice president, Voltron!" said Thicke at a 9am rally in Toledo, Ohio. "Voltron has an impeccable record of cutting wasteful spending, standing up for the rights of the underprivileged, and defeating giant killer robots created by the evil King Zarkon."

Aides say that Thicke's previous VP pick, Bob Barker, was perceived as too old and out of touch on the issues. "Despite his strong stance on the neutering and spaying of pets, as well as his expertise in playing Plinko, most voters felt Barker was under-qualified for the VP role," said aide Tom Wilkins. "The polls clearly showed that Barker was dragging down Thicke's campaign. Voltron gives the campaign an exciting new face that we believe will energize our base of 1980's TV show watchers."

"This a shrewd move by the Thicke campaign," said CBS political analyst Bob Scheiffer. "Thicke's biggest weakness has been on foreign policy. By adding a giant robot of Voltron's stature to the ticket, they are addressing people's fears that Thicke would be weak in the face of foreign threats. Can you imagine a rogue nation such as Iran threatening the US when Voltron is at the president's disposal? He could simply send Voltron into that country to single-handedly lay waste to thousands of terrorists. Have you seen that giant magic sword he carries around? That thing is really badass!"

Voltron, who hails from the planet Arus, will also appeal to people who are normally apathetic towards the election process. "Our latest polling suggests that 97 percent of geeks living in their parents' basements enthusiastically support the revised Thicke ticket," said Gary Brown of Reuters Polling. "These are normally people who rarely venture out into daylight, so motivating them to get out and vote is a major victory for the campaign."

The new VP pick may also sway voters who had already decided on one of the other candidates. A poll just released by the AP now shows that 57 percent of dudes with mullets may now switch from the McCain-Palin ticket to Thicke-Voltron. "I was all set to vote for that Palin chick, on account of her bein' so hot and all. But now I ain't so sure," said Cleetus Baker of Highfield, Alabama. "Havin' a big robot with lions for hands sounds pretty dang bitchin' to me."

AMERICA VOTES!!!!

• ALAN THICKE IS VOTING FOR PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA
  

• ALAN TICKE HAS EXPERIENCE BEING A ROLE MODEL TO A MASSIVE AUDIENCE
  

• ALAN TICKE KNOWS HOW TO DEAL WITH GROWING PAINS
  

• ALAN THICKE HAS PLAYED A DR. IN A MEGA HIT SERIES ON TV AND WILL NOW PLAY A DR IN THE OVAL OFFICE AND CURE AMERICA OF BUSH POLICIES
  

• ALAN THICKE CAN DO 50 PUSH UPS IN A ROW
  

• ALAN THICKE HAS SEEN VOLTRON 3,086 TIMES AND CAN DO ANYTHING VOLTRON CAN DO ONLY BETTER
  

• ALAN THICKE WORKED WITH TRACY GOLD AND EVERYONE  KNOWS THAT SHE HAD AN EATING DISORDER AND EVERYONE KNOWS THAT HE FATHERED HER THROUGH THAT TIME AND SHE WAS VERY GRATEFUL AND HE WILL FATHER OUR NATION INTO THE FUTURE  BECAUSE HE IS ALAN THICK
  

THE NEXT PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA

Paid for by Alan Thicke and the Growing Pains Party 2008

 

Don't Forget To Vote...for Alan Thicke!!!!!

Show me that smile again

Don't waste another minute on your cryin'

We're nowhere near the end

The best is ready to begin

Ooh...

As long as we've got each other

We got the world spinnin' right in our hands

Baby you and me...

We got to be...

The luckiest dreamers who never quit dreamin'

As long as we keep on givin'

We can take anything that comes our way

Baby rain or shine...

All the time...

We got each other

Sharin' the laughter and the love...

Paid for by the Alan Thicke and the Growing Pains Party 2008

Poll: 93% of dudes with mullets support Palin

The latest AP Poll suggests that GOP vice presidential candidate Sarah Palin now has one remaining demographic that overwhelmingly supports her candidacy. While only 23 percent of the general electorate now feel that she is qualified for the VP role, 93 percent of dudes with mullets have the fullest confidence in her abilities.

"That there Sarah chick is one hot momma, you know what I'm sayin?" stated visibly inebriated Billy John Cook, 23, of Deerfield, Arkansas. "I don't never remember having a lady like that to vote fer. Most of the womens 'round here don't even have all their teeth or nuthin!. Dang, where'd I put down my beer at? Did'tcha take it, ya bastard?!"

Dudes with mullets tend to share Governor Palin's views on many issues, including guns, hunting, NASCAR and beer. Lester Bob Wilcox, 29, of Eunice, Missouri feels Palin connects with him on a personal level: "I heard her say one time that she's all about the 'Joe six-packs' out there. Well, I tell you what Miss Palin, I gotta six pack of Pabst Blue Ribbon back in my trailer. Why don't ya stop by some time, we'll drink some cold ones, and I'll show ya my huntin' rifle collection. Then I'd show ya my OTHER gun - oh yeah, ya know what I'm talkin' about!"

With the election only days away, it remains to be seen whether dudes with mullets will have any impact on the presidential race. "I don't know about that McCain guy, he reminds me of old Henry down over at the Pickins farm. That bastard would shoot at us with his squirrel rifle whenever we'd ride our ATVs over his land," said Joe 'Slim' Johnson, 35, of Monroe, Tennessee. "If it were just McCain runnin', I could care less 'bout this whole thing. But that Sarah Palin is real excitin'. I'm votin' now for sure. Any woman who shoots wolves and goes to NASCAR rallies and has a hot body is my kinda woman."

While Palin's support amongst dudes with mullets is very strong, voter turnout has historically been poor in this core constituency. "My parole officer said I can't vote no more, on account of me being convicted of meth production and all," said Ryan Joe Stone, 39, of Hillsdale, Kentucky. "That's a dang shame that I can't vote fer her. I heard from my cousin Kevin that she's in one of them adult movies made by that guy who runs Hustler. Man, I wanna see that."

Alan Thicke Calls John McCain's Bluff

Today, Alan Thicke called a press conference which was aired on CNN, ABC, NBC, CBS and BET.

Alan Thicke, mega star, who rose to stardom from the hit series Growing Pains addressed the nation and press stating clearly and articulately... "Senator McCain sir, I call your bluff."  The entire press confrence lasted a total of 10 seconds but has caused an uproar of excitment especially from the McCain camp who seem to have gone in hiding.  John McCain is completely missing remarked  "The View" conservative Elizabeth Hasselback when asked where John McCain had gone.  In a photo provided to the press from Brad Pitts private photograph collection his sources have proof that McCain is currently hiding out in an Afganistan cave until the excitment dies down.  Pitt and wife Joile were in Afganistan to pick up their new son Ahmad-Shah.  They had stopped to make a pit stop and snapped this photograph.  Sarah Palin is the only member of the party that has not gone into hiding and will be calling a press confrence of her own later today where she is expected to declare herself the GOP Presidential candidate.  She is expected to ask Hilary Clinton to be her running mate.  No further information is available yet.  Things are going well for Alan Thicke lately says manager Bud Markowski..."Alan will appear in "The Goods: The Don Ready story," the new Will Farrell movie, staring Jeremy Piven and Ving Rhames where Alan will play Ed Helms' dad.  It will be in theaters this summer. for more information visit http://www.alanthicke.com

Your fro is sooo big!

In 9th grade Spanish class, we had this workbook filled with various writing exercises. Many of the pages had illustrations of people doing various everyday things. About halfway through the year, as boredom set in, and my obsession with FROs grew more intense, I began to doodle in the book. Nearly every illustration was modified in some way to reflect my bizarre state of mind at that time. Miraculously, I managed to keep this book over all these years, and now I've begun to scan and upload its contents. Roughly five people on this planet will find it funny.

Papa Smurf!?

Have you seen this guy who looks like Papa Smurf? I saw him on a news show recently, and he's absolutely obsessed with the Smurfs. Apparently, his obsession drove him to begin drinking a potion containing silver compounds, which leads to permanent blue discoloration of the skin. "Things have been so smurfy for me since turning this shade of blue," said Paul Karason, 57, of Madera, California. "Ever since I became Smurf, I've been presented with many new opportunities that'd I'd never smurfed of before."


What sorts of opportunities was he talking about? What would drive someone to such desperate measures? Well, it turns out he mostly did it for the ladies. "Let me tell you, going into a nightclub looking like Papa Smurf has done wonders for my smurf life. I've lost count of how many smurfy ladies I've had the pleasure of meeting. Most of them turn out to be quite mentally unstable, but at least women are interested in me now, even if it's just to find out if 'everything' is blue." So there you have it. Dudes, if you're unlucky with the ladies, maybe you should consider becoming a Smurf.

Another negative for McCain...

Comb overs are already creepy.  Comb over mustaches are EXTRA creepy.  Sen. McCain you do not have my vote!

OUR NEXT PRESIDENT

I think our next president should have a mustache. Even a fake mustache that always stays on at public events. This would show the world a leader that is stern but comfortable, confident and makes me proud to be an American. He would be saying "Hey world leaders look at my mustache. Its time to sit down and discuss politics." I trust this man and I salute him - he is our fearless mustached leader. And this is why I support Barack Obama as the next president of the United States.

Ray's Dream Girl

Nice pick!