Bob Barker burns the sign of the devil into his neighbor, Bonnie Wilks head!

Bonnie Wilks 36, neighbor of Bob Barker went to the former Price is Right hosts house today, November 29 to borrow some sugar for a birthday cake she was baking for her 82 year old grandma. Wilks was greeted by a jolly Barker who invited her in by telling her to come on down. Wilks said she then walked through a series of hallways filled with numbered doors. Barker finally took Wilks into room numbered 237. At this point Barker seemed in very high spirits but kept saying "redrum," mixed in with his friendly laughter. Inside room 237 Wilks found herself on the set of the Price is Right. When asked if she would like to win the brand new Trailer RV that was sitting on the stage Wilks said. "I started jumping up and down in disbelief. I couldn’t believe it and was so excited to be living this dream come true."

Wilks was then told she would have to answer a series of questions. "This is where things got a little creepy." said Wilks. Barker pulled a cloth off a podium covering a fish tank. Inside the fish tank fit for a gold fish or 2 was a dead 15 pound carp that looks like it had been bought from the fish market but left with fish head on and all and really crammed into the bowl. As weird as it was that was a pristine RV on the stage and Wilks wasn’t about to give up her shot at it. Barker asked her if the price of 80 gazillion dollars that he had written with a crayon was high or low to what the actually retail price of the fish and tank would cost. She guessed high and was right on and ready for the next item. Next Barker pulled out a life size statue of himself made out of popsicle sticks. In the hands of the sculpture was a full unwrapped mortadella with "skinny mic" written on it with a sharpie. Again Barker asked if 80 gazillion dollars was high or low for the collected price of the sculpture. Wilks again guessed right. Next and last Barker dropped a curtain and behind it was a mountain of marshmallows 20 feet high. Taped to various parts of the marshmallow mound was the famous 70’s poster of Farrah Fawcett in a swim suite. There must have been 80-100 posters posted in different size from very, very small to regular sized of this poster posted all over the mound. On one poster Farrah Fawcett had a thought bubble above her head with the word "Marshmallow" simply stated. Wilks admitted to police that at this point she was freaked but determined to win the RV. This time when asked if the price was high or low she said low. Wilks then said she felt a burning sensation on her forehead and started screaming. "Barkers eyes turned black and he started muttering all this biblical stuff but using Alan Tickes name and that he is satans son and all." Bonnie said when questioned by Officer Rogers.

A disturbing still shot from security cameras on the Barker compound show a beam of light shooting out of Barkers eye and officials believe that this is when Wilks received the 666 in her forehead. Wilks is very upset, she says that the 666 keeps bleeding and that she had to crab walk over to the next neighbors house to try and get some sugar for the cake.
"I crab walked next door to house 14 Turnip Lane but when Sandy Duncen a long time resident answered the door she started screaming and crying and slammed the door. This happened at nearly every house on the block. I just can’t seem to walk without being in this posture anymore and the bleeding 666 is just really off putting." Other then this Wilks tried to sell the cops some gibberish about Alan Thicke destroying all non-believers but Rogers noted that she was in a lot of duress from everything and said she should be better after some rest. For now Barker remains at his compound. Police will keep a close watch on the Price is Right stars house and they now have custody of Barkers 14 month old Yorkshire terrier "Plinko" who is going to be turned over to animal services.

FROOOOO Attack!

Let's complete this workbook exercise, shall we? These sisters are different in many ways. Sister Julia has a hybrid beehive / fro hairstyle and appears to be a stoned hippie. She also has massive sideburns that touch the floor. Sister Pilar, on the other hand, has a fro so massive that it has begun to interfere with her vision and ability to breathe. Fro attacks such as this are commonly seen in people who abuse Fro Gro®. Remember kids, use Fro Gro® in moderation to achieve the perfect FROOOOO!

Bob Barker Assaults Bob Vila

Former game show host Bob Barker was arrested this afternoon on assault charges at his home in Jupiter, Florida. Earlier in the day, Barker, 84, was reportedly engaged in a violent confrontation with former This Old House host Bob Vila. The incident took place at a Burger King restaurant in nearby North Palm Beach at approximately 11am. Witnesses say that Vila, 62, was waiting in line to order a BK Stacker® when Barker entered the building and stood in line behind him. The two Bobs initially began a polite conversation, with Vila reportedly interested in the type of wood used to construct the Cliff Hangers pricing game.

The mood quickly changed, however, when Vila began quoting from the movie Happy Gilmore. "I heard Bob Vila say 'The price is wrong, bitch!', and then [Barker] just totally lost it!" said witness Jay Needles. "I could tell that [Vila] was just joking around, but for some reason Barker didn't think it was funny at all. He started screaming how he's 'sick and tired' of that line and how he 'hears that goddamn line every time' he goes out in public. And he was totally getting all up in Bob Vila's face and everything!"


The altercation turned physical when Vila responded with a derogatory remark concerning the Price Is Right models. "I heard Bob Vila ask him if Barker's Beauties were hired from a modeling agency or a whore house," said fellow witness Joan Fineman. " And that's when the punches started flying." Barker landed several blows to Vila's face in quick succession, knocking the younger Bob to the floor. Barker then quickly fled the scene in a panicked state. Meanwhile, witnesses called the police and tended to the dazed Vila, who was reportedly muttering that he wanted to 'spay or neuter' Barker.

Several hours later, police forces descended upon Barker's upscale residence. "After we busted through his front door, we found him in the living room calmly playing Plinko, and wearing nothing but an apron. I guess he stole that Plinko board from the Price Is Right set after he retired or something," stated police officer Brandon Rice. "The whole thing was really creepy," added Rice. Barker apparently surrendered without a struggle, although he was initially reluctant to leave the house without clutching his trademark skinny microphone.

Actual Item: Nail Trimmer

Okay, I found another interesting ad in the newspaper today. This one is for some sort of high tech nail trimmer. It looks pretty awesome:


But then I noticed something kinda weird:


That's pure evil!

Pork Chop - A short story by Phantom Smurf

I wrote this for a creative writing class my freshman year in high school. I hope you enjoy it. I guess my teacher did, I got a B+! This teacher was a major pervert. He used to give girls a good grade if they would wear a short skirt and sit in front of the class. I also used to work Pearl Jam into everything we would learn. I used to joke around saying that everything was the "Jam" the "Pearl Jam". This teacher would be like Phantom Smurf..."Thats the Jam!!!!" This is all very true.

Pork Chop – a short story by Phantom Smurf

Sally and Babbet were all excited their plans for a bicycle trip to Cape Cod are going as planned.
“Are you ready?”
“Yes Sally, I’ve been ready for a long time now.”
“Do we have everything?”
“Yes!” (Followed by excited laughter)
“Bye, mom, dad we love you!”
“You kids be careful that sure is a tough trip.”
“Call us when you get there.”
“Bye” (Everyone says)
As they leave a news bulletin comes over the radio…
“Escaped from the mental hospital, is Damian Clesin otherwise known as Pork Chop.” Years back, Clesin got busted for killing and eating people, but had a good lawyer so he got off on charges of insanity. Ever since he has spent his day’s in a padded room most of the time in a straitjacket. Lately because of good behavior they took the jacket off and now he wants revenge.
“Hey Babbet, lets sing a song.”
“ok”
“Oh I wish I were an Oscar Myer wiener…”
(the girls sing)
As they’re riding on the busy highway they see a man in the woods just standing and watching them.
“Put on our turbo packs Batman” (Babbet says as she watches the man watch her)
“Shut up! What’s he doing whys he just standing there?”
(They could see something strange about him the first time they saw him)
“Lets speed up.”
“Holy eyeball Batman, that man is staring at us.”
“SHUT UP, OK, It’s not funny!”
(Babbet shuts up for a minute)
The man starts to walk out of the woods towards the two girls. For some reason he stops and lets them go on their way.
“Wow that was weird.”
“No foolin huh, Oh well, it’s a story to tell.”
(Again they start singing commercials that they see signs for.)
“Zest fully clean, zest fully clean, your not…”
Pork Chop waits by the side of the road and waves a cop down.
“Hop in, Ill take you in to see where you need to go.”
“Thank you.”
(Then Pork Chop takes a knife and kills the Police Man)
“LUNCH”
He was well satisfied but had much left and needed to dispose of the body.
He speeds up to great speeds of 80, 90, 100 and when no ones around he throws the body parts out the window. Then he ditches the car and goes into the woods to wait.
“Wow, were making good time.”
“Yea we are! To the Cape gun ho!”
(A LOUD SCREAM)
“WHATS THAT!”
(A mans arm lays in their path.)
Babbet then begins to scream…
“IT”S AN ARM!!! What do we do I think its human!”
“SHUT UP!”
“NO YOU SHUT UP!”
“Should we take it with us!”
“WHAT?!”
“I mean like to a police station or somewhere!?”
“We can get a cop.”
“DON’T TOUCH IT!”
“I wanna go home”
“Shut up Sally, you’re such a baby!”
“Babbet, look its that man!”
The man limps up to the girls.
“Hello, I seem to be lost can you help me?”
“We found an arm…”
“What are your names?”
“Sally”
“Babbet”
“And you sir?”
“My name (he hesitates…) My name is of no importance. My friends call me Pork Chop.”
“Why?”
“Oh I don’t know maybe because I like to…EAT PEOPLE!!!”
(The girls scream)
Pork Chop takes out a small chainsaw and chops Sally’s arm off.
“OH, MY ARM, I have no arm!” (Going hysterical)
“How about you Babbet, how bout you give me a hand!?”
“You hurt my sister Pork Chop and now your gonna pay!”
She blocks the chainsaw so he is unable to attack her and kicks him in the face.
Sally lies unconscious on the ground with no arm.
Babbet gets on her bike and then gets on the move.
Pork Chop Picks up Sallys arm and starts to eat it and yell…
“Um, um um! Sooo goood, Your next!”
Babbet then hatches a plan – In he back pack she brought lighter fluid to start camp fires along the way. She takes that out and starts pouring it as she rides
(Pork Chop is now running after her with the arm in his mouth)
“I’m gonna get you!!!!”
She then finishes the lighter fluid, drops it and lights it with a match…
FOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMMM
(Pork Chop is set on fire and In hysteria he starts eating himself.)
“Um, um, um, um…” (As he eats himself he mutters, running around…)
“Its been a good dayyyyyyyyyyyyy!”
Then he falls dead to the ground – Pork Chop lies dead with several fingers and many body parts distorted from his eating and the fire.
“Sally” (Babbet cries)
(She runs over to her sister who is almost dead)
“HELP C.P.R….HEEEEEEEELLLLLLLLLLLPPPPPPPPPP!!!!!” (She Yells)
(Babbet then wakes up in a hot sweat)
It was only a dream…she thought.
“OUCH” (She looks over at her arm)
“AUGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG” (A loud scream)
(Her arm was gone and written in blood on her bed was, I told you I’d get you. Pork Chop)

Quiero Un Fro Grande

If you had six wishes, why would your first wish be for a clown? For one thing, clowns are totally creepy. Wishing for a big FRO makes much more sense...

Actual Item: Comfort Pants

Have you ever seen the segments on Jay Leno or Conan O'Brien where they show newspaper clippings that contain funny mistakes? I decided to start browsing my local newspaper ads to see if I could find anything unusual. Sure enough, I soon found an ad for Active Joe Comfort Pants. The best part about the ad is that you couldn't make this stuff up, it's 100 percent real!

So this ad looks pretty normal, they're selling some stretchy pants that presumably appeal to people who are a bit on the heavy side, and cannot find regular pants that fit them:


But take a little closer look at this:


Wow, that's some dark stuff!

Alan Thicke is REALLY F$*%ing MAD!!!!!!!!!!

After a very rough day at the polls Alan Thicke did not come out the victor but seems to have declared himself President anyway.  He took to the podium before Barack Obama gave his victory speech and said you might be President of the United States but I am President of the world bitches.  He then threw his hands in the air and was tackled by secret service agents who said he had a demonic look in face (pictured above).  Alan spent the night at a Chicago precinct where Sheriff, Bill Wasselman said "looked like Alan just needed to cool down and we were there to give him his space and rest."   The morning after seems to continue to be tough for Thick who supposedly punched a mailman in the face outside the S. State Street Post Office telling the man you work for me now as he punched him stole his bag of mail and then oddly delivered it all.  Voltron is very upset.  Voltron in a quick press release said that this is not the Alan Thicke he wants people to remember and that he will fight to bring his friend back to health and win the next election in 2012.  In the meantime Thick is on a rampage.    In a related story Tracy Gold seems to have started eating in an unhealthy manner this morning.  The world is worried for her.  Alan Thicke where are you when we need you. 

Breaking News: Alan Thicke replaces VP pick with Voltron

In a surprise last minute maneuver on the day of the election, superstar presidential candidate Alan Thicke has announced a former rival as his new vice presidential nominee. "Today, it gives me great pleasure to introduce my new vice president, Voltron!" said Thicke at a 9am rally in Toledo, Ohio. "Voltron has an impeccable record of cutting wasteful spending, standing up for the rights of the underprivileged, and defeating giant killer robots created by the evil King Zarkon."

Aides say that Thicke's previous VP pick, Bob Barker, was perceived as too old and out of touch on the issues. "Despite his strong stance on the neutering and spaying of pets, as well as his expertise in playing Plinko, most voters felt Barker was under-qualified for the VP role," said aide Tom Wilkins. "The polls clearly showed that Barker was dragging down Thicke's campaign. Voltron gives the campaign an exciting new face that we believe will energize our base of 1980's TV show watchers."

"This a shrewd move by the Thicke campaign," said CBS political analyst Bob Scheiffer. "Thicke's biggest weakness has been on foreign policy. By adding a giant robot of Voltron's stature to the ticket, they are addressing people's fears that Thicke would be weak in the face of foreign threats. Can you imagine a rogue nation such as Iran threatening the US when Voltron is at the president's disposal? He could simply send Voltron into that country to single-handedly lay waste to thousands of terrorists. Have you seen that giant magic sword he carries around? That thing is really badass!"

Voltron, who hails from the planet Arus, will also appeal to people who are normally apathetic towards the election process. "Our latest polling suggests that 97 percent of geeks living in their parents' basements enthusiastically support the revised Thicke ticket," said Gary Brown of Reuters Polling. "These are normally people who rarely venture out into daylight, so motivating them to get out and vote is a major victory for the campaign."

The new VP pick may also sway voters who had already decided on one of the other candidates. A poll just released by the AP now shows that 57 percent of dudes with mullets may now switch from the McCain-Palin ticket to Thicke-Voltron. "I was all set to vote for that Palin chick, on account of her bein' so hot and all. But now I ain't so sure," said Cleetus Baker of Highfield, Alabama. "Havin' a big robot with lions for hands sounds pretty dang bitchin' to me."

AMERICA VOTES!!!!

• ALAN THICKE IS VOTING FOR PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA
  

• ALAN TICKE HAS EXPERIENCE BEING A ROLE MODEL TO A MASSIVE AUDIENCE
  

• ALAN TICKE KNOWS HOW TO DEAL WITH GROWING PAINS
  

• ALAN THICKE HAS PLAYED A DR. IN A MEGA HIT SERIES ON TV AND WILL NOW PLAY A DR IN THE OVAL OFFICE AND CURE AMERICA OF BUSH POLICIES
  

• ALAN THICKE CAN DO 50 PUSH UPS IN A ROW
  

• ALAN THICKE HAS SEEN VOLTRON 3,086 TIMES AND CAN DO ANYTHING VOLTRON CAN DO ONLY BETTER
  

• ALAN THICKE WORKED WITH TRACY GOLD AND EVERYONE  KNOWS THAT SHE HAD AN EATING DISORDER AND EVERYONE KNOWS THAT HE FATHERED HER THROUGH THAT TIME AND SHE WAS VERY GRATEFUL AND HE WILL FATHER OUR NATION INTO THE FUTURE  BECAUSE HE IS ALAN THICK
  

THE NEXT PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA

Paid for by Alan Thicke and the Growing Pains Party 2008

 

Don't Forget To Vote...for Alan Thicke!!!!!

Show me that smile again

Don't waste another minute on your cryin'

We're nowhere near the end

The best is ready to begin

Ooh...

As long as we've got each other

We got the world spinnin' right in our hands

Baby you and me...

We got to be...

The luckiest dreamers who never quit dreamin'

As long as we keep on givin'

We can take anything that comes our way

Baby rain or shine...

All the time...

We got each other

Sharin' the laughter and the love...

Paid for by the Alan Thicke and the Growing Pains Party 2008