The Cardinals Should Sign Chewbacca

The Cards had a decent season this year, but they ended up falling short of the playoffs for the second year in a row. They could certainly benefit from an upgraded bullpen next year. That's why I think they should take a chance and sign Chewbacca. Chewy is currently playing for the Toledo Tarmacs, a team in the Midwest Independent League. This 7'5" Wookie southpaw possesses a nasty 97+ mph fastball and throws a variety of offspeed pitches. He also possesses a fierce demeanor on the mound. "Chewy is completely unafraid to plunk a batter who's crowding the plate, or is anywhere near the plate", said Cards scout Mike Dresden. This season he boasted a 1.27 ERA, with 61 Ks over 53 innings pitched, despite hitting a league-leading 23 batters. So why haven't any major league teams signed this talented reliever? "That's simple", continues Dresden, "Chewbacca is uncontrollably violent towards other players, both on the opposing side and with his teammates. Whenever he losses a game, he has a tendency to rip players' arms out of their sockets. Wookies are known to do this."

To date, Chewy has ripped the arms off of 17 players in the league, including 5 of his teammates. "He's a maniac, and he needs to be shipped back to whatever planet he's from," said former teammate Jason Hunter. Early in the season, enraged by a narrow 5-4 loss to the Flint Carburetors, Chewbacca ripped Hunter's arms out of their sockets and then proceeded to beat several Carburetors players with the arms. Doctors were able to surgically reattach one of Hunter's arms after the incident, but the outfielder-turned-janitor still holds a grudge towards the Wookie reliever: "He should be banned from the game, plan and simple. I don't care what his ERA is."

Despite this frequent unsportsmanlike conduct, several scouts, including Dresden, believe Chewy could make it in the majors. "At the major league level, a team could afford to hire bodyguards for Chewbacca's teammates. I believe having such tremendous, intimidating lefty in the bullpen would be well worth the additional expense ," said Dresden. As for the safety of the opposing players? "Well, I believe they would quickly learn to heed some age-old advice: Let the Wookie win."

REGINALD MURPHY TORTURES LARRY KING DURING INTERVIEW!

LIVE WITH LARRY KING//

Our guest this evening is Reginald Murphy the Extra Terrestrial formally known as E.T. Reginald returns to talk with us about his life and give us an update on what’s happened since his last interview with Geraldo Rivera.

(Reginald Murphy comes in wearing a “Larry King Sucks” t-shirt, and brown bagging a 40 of Saint Ides)

Larry King: Now, that’s not very nice what’s this all about…?

Reginald Murphy: Blurrrrrrrrrrppppppp

Dan O’Conner: Larry he said he wouldn’t do the interview without wearing the t-shirt.

Larry King: What! This is absurd.

Dan O’Connor: No shirt, no interview.

Larry King: (sigh) Long Pause…Hello Reginald. You’re here with us today. I notice you smell like 10 bottles of Whisky, your wearing a insulting shirt, you have alcohol in hand and what is that wretched odor coming off of you?. What is going on man!

Reginald Murphy: Hey Larry, Blurrrrpppp… what’s insulting????

Larry King: Your wearing a shirt that says I suck. Do you think this is nice?

Reginald Murphy: Please rephrase the question Larry. What insulting about a shirt?

Larry King: Your saying I suck. Weren’t you taught that this isn’t nice?

Reginald Murphy: Apparently not. Next question Larry.

Larry King: I notice you can speak normal – like a human being now would you like to comment on that!?

Reginald Murphy: Not really Larry. I will say this (Blurrrrrrrp) whyyyyyy do the producers of a movie insist that I have to eat those frigging Reese’s Pieces things when they know “BECAUSE “ its been stipulated in my contract that I have a peanut allergy. Reginald Murphy has a peanut allergy Larry. I hate those goddamn little M&M peanut butter filled candies. They give me gas Larry. After I left that movie set, I went home and what do I get??? 25 years of frigging Reese’s pieces dropped in front of me Larry, 25 years of gas. I did mention that I have an allergy to those things!!! I mean it was in the frigging contract…but no one cares about Reginald if they cared that little F*&k would of left a trail of Dewers shots…(pause) Blurrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrp (pause) you suck Larry…

Larry King: So I’ve been told. Why beat around the bush Reginald. Where is Geraldo?

Reginald Murphy: Geral-dick

Larry King: Geraldo Rivera

Reginald Murphy: Geral-dick

Larry King: Geraldo, Reginald! You know who I mean why do you keep saying that when I say Geraldo?

Reginald Murphy: I say that because its his name…GERAL-DICK..in fact call him that Larry.

Larry King: I will not!

Reginald Murphy: Call him Geral-dick Larry or I won’t answer any more questions.

Larry King: I will not sir!

Reginald Murphy: Larry (pause) call him Geral-dick or ill melt your face off.

Larry King: WHERE IS HE!

Reginald Murphy: Where is who?

Larry King: (sigh)

Reginald Murphy: Larry your face….

Larry King: Where is (in a low mumble) Geral-dick…?

Reginald Murphy: Hehehehe Louder Larry the viewers cant here you…

Larry King: Where is Geral-dick, Reginald!

Reginald Murphy: Say it like you mean it Larry in fact for the purpose of this interview I want to change your name. Lets call you Geral-dick!

Larry King: NO sir!

Reginald Murphy: Larry do you really want your face melted off?

Larry King: (sigh)

Reginald Murphy: Larry, repeat after me…I am Geral-dick!!!!

Larry King: I am Geral-dick ( in a low disgusted tone)

Regianld Murphy: No Larry, sing it IIIIIIIIIIIII aaaaaaaaaaammmmmmmmmm Geeeeeeeerrrrrraaaaaalllllldddiiiccccccccckkkkkkkk!!!

Larry King: I am Ggggeeerrrralllldddiiiiicccckkkk. Are you Happy!

Reginald Murphy: hehahahhaa

Larry King: Tell us where Geral-dick is now Reginald!

Reginald Murphy: What do you mean he’s interviewing me. Next question Geral-dick…

Larry King: But, No he’s…

Reginald Murphy: I saaaid…next question…GERAL-DICK!

Larry King: (sigh)

Reginald Murphy: New game. Simon says, Geral-dick, take off your suspenders.

Larry King: wh, wh, wh????

Reginald Murphy: Simon says take them off…

Larry removes his suspenders.

Reginald Murphy: Simon says put on this fake mustache.

Larry King: Why?

Reginald Murphy: Simon says Geral-dick put on your mustache NOW.

Larry King: (sighs and puts on the mustache)
Why are you doing this Reginald?

Reginald Murphy: ummmmmm why not. Can someone please get me a new Saint Ides…Blurrrrp

Larry King: No more alcohol for Reginald.

Reginald Murphy: Geral-dick, I will melt everyone’s face off in this goddamn room if you do not do what I say. Starting with yours. Now lets continue.

Larry King: (starts crying)

Reginald Murphy: Are you crying????

Larry King: Get on with it…

Reginald Murphy: Okay, from this point forward your new name is Gerdildo, you cry baby. The new game is this. If you say the word ET or even say a word that has the letters ET in it I will melt someone’s face off in this room.

Larry King: I don’t want to play...

Reginald Murphy: Gerdildo, you don’t have a choice.

Larry King: sniff (Larry is reduced to tears)

Reginald Murphy: Hey Gerdildo what’s that thing that you do when you gamble, you know you have to place something, right, what is it???

Larry King: silence. (in a low tone) Money….(sniff)

Reginald Murphy: Place money? Hmmm. I’m not sure about that. Hey Gerdildo. Its loud on here tell everyone to pipe down but don’t say it like that.

Larry King: Long Pause…. Uh shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh everyone…

Reginald Murphy: No, no, no Use the word keep in your answer…

Larry King: Keep it down, keep it down (quickly)

Reginald Murphy: Hmmmmmm, Gerdildo stand up and go and punch Dan in the face!

Larry King: (crying hard) Larry stands up walks over to Dan (looks apologetic) but then punches him in the face.

Reginald Murphy: Hey Gerdildo… Simon didn’t say..

Larry King: Wha, wha wha???

Reginald Murphy: Im going to leave now but I’m going to melt your face off by the end of the night Gerdildo.

Larry King: wha wha (hysterical)

Reginald Murphy: Dick!!! Blurrrrrrrrrp

Reginald gets up and leaves slamming the door behind him. Leavening everyone left in the room speechless. Larry clutches the carpet under his desk as he cries. Reginald Murphy disappears. Larry King has gone into hiding.

Colegio Del Fro

Cuando estaba en universidad, deseé un fro grandemente. Creí tener un grande fro, o aún un punto bajo fro, atraería a muchas mujeres.

Actual Item: Shotguns

I found this rather ordinary looking ad for rifles and shotguns in the Sunday paper this weekend. These guns look totally sweet:



Then I noticed something unusual about one of the shotguns:



That's quite a strong endorsement - our beloved Vice President really knows a lot about guns and gun safety!

The Extra-Terrestrial formerly known as E.T. returns to tell everyone that he f%&ing hates Reese's Pieces

Because of the extraordinary nature of this interview Fox News has provided an uncut manuscript:


Geraldo Rivera: Now preferring to go by his birth name Reginald Murphy the Extra-Terrestrial formally known as E.T. has come a very long way to deliver us a message and update everyone with what’s been going on.

Geraldo Rivera: Reginald, thank you for joining us today can I get you anything before we get started?

Reginald Murphy: Reginald coffee.

Geraldo Rivera: No problem, can we please get Reginald a coffee? Reginald, how would you like that?

Reginald Murphy: Reginald coffee, black, strong, long trip.
(laughter ensues)

Geraldo Rivera: Okay Reginald now lets get started. First things first. So you have decided to change your name from the one that made you famous. Why is that?

Reginald Murphy: Reginald name Reginald not racial slur.

Geraldo Rivera: Okay Reginald so your saying that referring to you by E.T. is in fact a racial slur. Fair enough. Okay Reginald lets get right to it….(pause)

(Reginald’s head is twitching and he is having convulsions)

Geraldo Rivera: Is everything okay?? Bill (camera man) do you know what’s going on here?

Bill Flip: I don’t know.

(Both men are confused, speechless)

Reginald Murphy: (laughter ensues)

Bill Flip: Guess were rolling.

Geraldo Rivera: Okaaaayyy…ok (clears throat) so as I was saying. You’ve come a very long way to deliver a message. Reginald, what would you like to tell the people at home.

Reginald Murphy: Reginald Reese's Pieces (lots of vomiting ensues). Ahhhhhhhhhhrrrrrrrrrrrhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhrrrrhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

(Reginald starts screaming a horrible shriek. Glass in the studio is breaking)

Geraldo Rivera: What the F^%k! Bill what the f%$k man what’s this s&*t!

(Bill Flip is laying on the ground with a bloody nose shaking uncontrollably)

Geraldo Rivera: F*&king Christ!!!!!!

Reginald Murphy: (Bobbing his head up and down) Reeses ba – ah – ah – ah – ah-ah – ah –ah – ah – ah – ah
Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

Geraldo Rivera: Christ! Jesus!

(Bill Flip is unconscious, the studio is dark, Geraldo is curled under the table in the fetal position with his microphone)

Reginald Murphy: ah – ah – ah – ah da da da da da da

Geraldo Rivera: Oh my Jesus!!!!

Reginald Murphy: (laughter ensues)

Geraldo Rivera: Christ almighty. Oh Jesus. Oh my (long pause) oh oh okayyyyyyyyyy…. (climbs out from under the table looking woozy.)
(Geraldo whispers to himself…”What the f%$k was that, Jesus.” He gets up and composes himself.) F, F, F Fair enough I guess we’ll just take what you say at its face value.

(Paramedics come in and take Bill away – Geraldo takes a few more moments to compose himself and then continues with the interview)

Geraldo Rivera: Okay we definitely got the message Reginald.
(Geraldo stands up at this point and screams at the top of his lungs – “Can we please make sure there are none of those f*&ing THINGS in this building.” He then sits down and apologizes to Reginald for the outburst.)

Reginald Murphy: (laughter ensues)

Geraldo Rivera: Okay Reginald, now have you phoned any friends since you been in town? Do you plan to see Michael Jack…..

(This is where the interview ends. The sound of some heavy breathing and scuffling is all that is heard after. This is all that is heard or seen from Reginald. Geraldo Rivera has been missing since.)

Fro-nimals!

Thanks to our Fro loving blog fan Jennie we now know that Animals also enjoy Fros! Thanks Jennie