The Cards had a decent season this year, but they ended up falling short of the playoffs for the second year in a row. They could certainly benefit from an upgraded bullpen next year. That's why I think they should take a chance and sign Chewbacca. Chewy is currently playing for the Toledo Tarmacs, a team in the Midwest Independent League. This 7'5" Wookie southpaw possesses a nasty 97+ mph fastball and throws a variety of offspeed pitches. He also possesses a fierce demeanor on the mound. "Chewy is completely unafraid to plunk a batter who's crowding the plate, or is anywhere near the plate", said Cards scout Mike Dresden. This season he boasted a 1.27 ERA, with 61 Ks over 53 innings pitched, despite hitting a league-leading 23 batters. So why haven't any major league teams signed this talented reliever? "That's simple", continues Dresden, "Chewbacca is uncontrollably violent towards other players, both on the opposing side and with his teammates. Whenever he losses a game, he has a tendency to rip players' arms out of their sockets. Wookies are known to do this."
To date, Chewy has ripped the arms off of 17 players in the league, including 5 of his teammates. "He's a maniac, and he needs to be shipped back to whatever planet he's from," said former teammate Jason Hunter. Early in the season, enraged by a narrow 5-4 loss to the Flint Carburetors, Chewbacca ripped Hunter's arms out of their sockets and then proceeded to beat several Carburetors players with the arms. Doctors were able to surgically reattach one of Hunter's arms after the incident, but the outfielder-turned-janitor still holds a grudge towards the Wookie reliever: "He should be banned from the game, plan and simple. I don't care what his ERA is."
Despite this frequent unsportsmanlike conduct, several scouts, including Dresden, believe Chewy could make it in the majors. "At the major league level, a team could afford to hire bodyguards for Chewbacca's teammates. I believe having such tremendous, intimidating lefty in the bullpen would be well worth the additional expense ," said Dresden. As for the safety of the opposing players? "Well, I believe they would quickly learn to heed some age-old advice: Let the Wookie win."
1 comment:
woah! i had no idea chewbacca was playing baseball. Does this mean ticket prices are going to go up again? I really want to see Chewie rip some arms off but if its going to cost me $100 for the ticket and then whatever I need to pay for parking and concessions, which doesn't guarantee me any arms being ripped off I just don't know. If the Cardinals could somehow sign him and make sure that its in his contract that "x" amount of arms are ripped off then maybe...but im not interested if they just want to tame this beast. I can give my hairy cousin Jeb a baseball and have him throw it around for a bit if I just want to watch a hairy beast throw a baseball.
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