The Extra-Terrestrial formerly known as E.T. returns to tell everyone that he f%&ing hates Reese's Pieces

Because of the extraordinary nature of this interview Fox News has provided an uncut manuscript:


Geraldo Rivera: Now preferring to go by his birth name Reginald Murphy the Extra-Terrestrial formally known as E.T. has come a very long way to deliver us a message and update everyone with what’s been going on.

Geraldo Rivera: Reginald, thank you for joining us today can I get you anything before we get started?

Reginald Murphy: Reginald coffee.

Geraldo Rivera: No problem, can we please get Reginald a coffee? Reginald, how would you like that?

Reginald Murphy: Reginald coffee, black, strong, long trip.
(laughter ensues)

Geraldo Rivera: Okay Reginald now lets get started. First things first. So you have decided to change your name from the one that made you famous. Why is that?

Reginald Murphy: Reginald name Reginald not racial slur.

Geraldo Rivera: Okay Reginald so your saying that referring to you by E.T. is in fact a racial slur. Fair enough. Okay Reginald lets get right to it….(pause)

(Reginald’s head is twitching and he is having convulsions)

Geraldo Rivera: Is everything okay?? Bill (camera man) do you know what’s going on here?

Bill Flip: I don’t know.

(Both men are confused, speechless)

Reginald Murphy: (laughter ensues)

Bill Flip: Guess were rolling.

Geraldo Rivera: Okaaaayyy…ok (clears throat) so as I was saying. You’ve come a very long way to deliver a message. Reginald, what would you like to tell the people at home.

Reginald Murphy: Reginald Reese's Pieces (lots of vomiting ensues). Ahhhhhhhhhhrrrrrrrrrrrhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhrrrrhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

(Reginald starts screaming a horrible shriek. Glass in the studio is breaking)

Geraldo Rivera: What the F^%k! Bill what the f%$k man what’s this s&*t!

(Bill Flip is laying on the ground with a bloody nose shaking uncontrollably)

Geraldo Rivera: F*&king Christ!!!!!!

Reginald Murphy: (Bobbing his head up and down) Reeses ba – ah – ah – ah – ah-ah – ah –ah – ah – ah – ah
Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

Geraldo Rivera: Christ! Jesus!

(Bill Flip is unconscious, the studio is dark, Geraldo is curled under the table in the fetal position with his microphone)

Reginald Murphy: ah – ah – ah – ah da da da da da da

Geraldo Rivera: Oh my Jesus!!!!

Reginald Murphy: (laughter ensues)

Geraldo Rivera: Christ almighty. Oh Jesus. Oh my (long pause) oh oh okayyyyyyyyyy…. (climbs out from under the table looking woozy.)
(Geraldo whispers to himself…”What the f%$k was that, Jesus.” He gets up and composes himself.) F, F, F Fair enough I guess we’ll just take what you say at its face value.

(Paramedics come in and take Bill away – Geraldo takes a few more moments to compose himself and then continues with the interview)

Geraldo Rivera: Okay we definitely got the message Reginald.
(Geraldo stands up at this point and screams at the top of his lungs – “Can we please make sure there are none of those f*&ing THINGS in this building.” He then sits down and apologizes to Reginald for the outburst.)

Reginald Murphy: (laughter ensues)

Geraldo Rivera: Okay Reginald, now have you phoned any friends since you been in town? Do you plan to see Michael Jack…..

(This is where the interview ends. The sound of some heavy breathing and scuffling is all that is heard after. This is all that is heard or seen from Reginald. Geraldo Rivera has been missing since.)